Animal Husbandry Joke #1
Animal Husbandry Joke #2
A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another roll up my ass."
Animal Husbandry Joke #3
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." While the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
There, too, he met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait a minute! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Animal Husbandry Joke #4
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket and continued walking.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter with you? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look. I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Animal Husbandry Joke #5
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese."
She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
Animal Husbandry Joke #6
(Very Sick Cat Joke)
Q: What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
A: Half of a cat.
Animal Husbandry Joke #7
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time.
"Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table. When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it! "Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his ass."
Animal Husbandry Joke #8
"WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?"
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
O. J. Simpson: I'm telling you, the chicken was framed; evidence was planted. I'll pay a reward of $1 million to find out who REALLY crossed the road.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Ronald Reagan: What chicken?
Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by Chicken? Could you define chicken please?
Kenneth Starr: Let me draw up a subpena and I'll find out.
Monica Lewinsky: Because the chicken BELIEVED it was in love. It would STILL be in love if it weren't for the rooster who secretly videotaped it crossing the road.
Dana Scully: Until I can scientifically prove that indeed there even WAS a chicken, I cannot assume that it ever went NEAR the road.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Stephen Hawkins: Einstein is wrong on both assumptions, and I'll prove it.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Bill Gates: I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book - and Explorer is an inextricable part of the operating system.
Animal Husbandry Joke #9
A ventriloquist walks into this little Montana town one day and sees a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Ventriloquist: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Ventriloquist: "Hey dog, how`s it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how`s it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... "Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars!!!"
Animal Husbandry Joke #10
A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear says to the rabbit: "Hey, Rabbit... does shit stick to your fur?"
The rabbit says, "Why yes, it does."
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
Animal Husbandry Joke #11: The Doctor's Affair
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him... "Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last. And, you're single. So just let it go." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality...
"Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."
Take Me Home!!!! Baaaahhhh!!!
