Men vs. Women #1
The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15AM Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30AM Weigh in 5 lbs lighter than yesterday.
8:45AM Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed OJ & croissants.
9:15AM Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00AM Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30AM Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out.
12:00PM Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.
12:45PM Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00PM Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.
3:00PM Nap.
4:00PM 3 dozen roses delivered by florist from secret admirer.
4:15PM Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage.
5:30PM Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror.
7:30PM Candlelight dinner for two, followed by dancing.
10:00PM Hot shower.
10:30PM Make love.
11:00PM Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15PM Fall asleep in his big strong arms.
The Perfect Day for Him:
6:00AM Alarm.
6:01AM Blowjob.
6:30AM Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today.
7:00AM Breakfast, filet mignon & eggs, toast & coffee.
7:30AM Limo arrives.
7:45AM Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport.
8:15AM Private jet to Augusta, Georgia (coffee, SI & WSJ)
9:30AM Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45AM Front nine at Augusta (2 under).
11:45AM Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens.
12:15PM Blowjob.
2:15PM Back nine at Augusta (4 under).
2:30AM Limo back to airport (Bombay martini, shaken, 2 olives).
3:15PM Private jet, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap).
4:30PM Land World Record light tackle Marlin (1249 lbs).
5:00PM Private jet back home (blowjob at 30,000 feet).
6:45PM Shit, shower and shave.
7:00PM Watch CNN, Clinton resigns, Hillary animal video authenticated.
7:30PM Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. NY Strip Steak.
9:00PM Remy Martin and Cuban Cohiba cigar.
9:30PM Sex with three women (at least 2 are bi).
11:00PM Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45PM Bed (alone).
11:50PM 12 second, 4 note fart, dog leaves room.
11:55PM Sleep.
Men vs. Women #2
A Test of Manliness
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking
B. Screwing
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling with a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. No concern of yours.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A Moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. Appetizer is to entrée.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.
Evaluating results:
- If you answered "A" more than 7 times, Check your pants to make sure you're really a man.
- If you answered "B" more than 7 times, Check into therapy, you're a little confused.
- If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"
Men vs. Women #3
Top 100 Reasons it KICKS ASS to be a Guy!
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually all female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation only requires 1 suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8. You can open all you own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16. You don't have to lug a bag full of useful stuff everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a non-trivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be President. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44. Flowers fix damn near everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your house if the meter reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking, 'He must be mad at me'.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time!
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another service station because this one's 'just too yucky'.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work.... more pay!
70. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental; $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friend you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase, "Fuck it".
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
And now the down side:
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your restrooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first"
Men vs. Women #4
If Men Really Ruled The World (from the November 1998 issue of Maxim magazine)
1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood Ja-Blowme."
8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
11. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
12. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
13. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
14. Garbage would take itself out.
15. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
16. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
17. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
18. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
19. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
20. But it would be celebrated every month.
21. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
22. Two words: Ally McNaked.
23. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
24. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
25. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
26. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
27. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
28. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
29. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
30. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
31. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
32. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Men vs. Women #5
Are Computers Male or Female?
A language instructor was explaining to her class that spanish nouns, unlike their english counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil' she described, would have a gender association although in english these words were neutral.
Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so she divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Men vs. Women #6
How To Shower Like a Woman:
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofa, and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
How To Shower Like A Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo-woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire size of wiener in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower. Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
Wash face, then armpits. Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower.
Wash privates and surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on the floor, fan and light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
Men vs. Women #7
Women's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
I love you. = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick ANY dress and let's go home!
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.
Men vs. Women #8
Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. They have breasts.
