St. Patrick's Day and Other Irish Jokes
Irish Joke #1: The Man Who Orders Three Beers
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.
This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Irish Joke #2: The Coincidence
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland. The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?" The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well,now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self." About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
Irish Joke #3: The Traffic Stop
An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course" slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Irish Joke #4: The Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
Irish Joke #5: The Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun..."
Irish Joke #6: The Fly
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman all walk into a bar and each order a pint of Guiness. The bartender pours their three beers and sets them down in front of the three men. Just then, three flies buzz into the bar through the open door, and one plops down into each of the three beers!
The Englishman looks disdainfully at the fly in his beer, pushes the glass away from himself, and turns up his nose in disgust!
The Irishman looks blandly at the fly in his beer, plucks it out, flicks it away, and proceeds to drink.
The Scotsman looks at the fly in his beer, grabs it between the fingertips of both hands, holds it over his glass and yells "Spit it out, you Bastard!! Spit it out!!!"
