Engineer Jokes
Engineer Q and A:
Q: What is the definition of an engineer?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
Q: What do engineers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.
Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?
A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
You might be an engineer if ...
... choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
... in college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions
... at an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
... you bought your wife a new CD-ROM drive for her birthday.
... you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.
... you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
... you sit backwards on the Disneyland rides to see how they do the special effects.
... you have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.
... you know what <http:// stands for.
... you look forward to Christmas so you can put the kids' toys together.
... you see a good design and still have to change it.
... you spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
... you still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.
... you window shop at Radio Shack
....your laptop computer costs more than your car.
... your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
... you've already calculated how much you make per second.
... you've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Understanding Engineers, Take 1:
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."
Understanding Engineers, Take 2:
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?" said the architect and the artist.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Understanding Engineers, Take 3:
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets
Understanding Engineers, Take 4:
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers, Take 5 "An Engineer and His Frog":
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
The engineer bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, hun, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!!"
Drug dealers vs. software developers, a comparison:
Drug dealers: Refer to their clients as "users"
Software developers: Refer to their clients as "users"
Drug dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software developers: "Download a free trial version..."
Drug dealers: Have important Southeast Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
Software developers: Have important Southeast Asian connections (to help debug the code).
Drug dealers: Strange jargon: "Stick", "Rock", "Wrap", "E", "Stash", "Drive by", "Hit (LSD)", "Source", "The Pigs"
Software developers: Strange jargon: "SCSI", "RTFM", "Packet", "C", "Cache", "CTRL ALT DEL", "Hit (WWW)", "Source-code", "Microsoft"
Drug dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Software developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
Drug dealers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Software developers: Your clients really like your stuff when it works. When it doesn't work they want to kill you.
Drug dealers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent product.
Software developers: Job is assisted by the industry producing newer, more potent products.
Drug dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps, hustlers and low-lifes.
Software developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people, venture capitalists and fund managers.
Drug dealers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away - but may be expensive.
Software developers: When things go wrong, a "fix" is just a phone call away - but may be expensive.
Drug dealers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
Software developers: A lot of successful people getting rich in this industry while still teenagers.
Drug dealers: Do your job well, you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Software developers: Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
The Genie:
Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.
About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."
The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house on St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.
The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.
Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.
"I want those two back at their desks right after lunch" replied the project manager.
Teaching Math Through The Ages (Not an Engineer joke per se, but you can relate)
As we all know teaching math has gone through some rather dynamic changes. Social values have been mixed with teaching math. What follows is nearly fifty years of a math problem that reflects accurately the changing times. Some of you will enjoy this joke and some will think the writer was really sick and needs help...
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1997:
A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 1998:
A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 1999:
A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
Understanding Engineers, Take 6:
One night a wife found her engineer husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, respect, skepticism, wonder, and awe.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"
Engineering Constants to Remember:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line. (think about it for a moment)
453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)
10 cards: 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
10 rations: 1 decoration
100 rations: 1 C-ration
2 monograms: 1 diagram
8 nickels: 2 paradigms
3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League
100 Senators: Not 1 decision
