shhhh.... don't tell anyone you're reading dirty jokes!!!!

Dirty Jokes Page

Be forewarned: some of these are pretty sick. In fact, that's the whole point of this page. You might want to turn back now.

Dirty Joke #1

The daughter needs to borrow Daddy's car for the evening. Daughter goes to Daddy and says, "Is it ok if I borrow the car tonight?" Daddy says, "No." Daughter says, "you never let me borrow the car." Daddy says, "you can borrow the car if you give me a blow job." Daughter says, "your my Dad -- that's disgusting how can you think of such a thing." Dad replies, "you want the car you give me a blow job." Daughter decides she needs the car real bad so she says, "Ok." Daughter starts giving her dad a blow job when she stops and with a revolted voice says, "Daddy your dick tastes like shit!!" Daddy replies, "Oh I forgot, your brother has the car tonight."

Dirty Joke #2

A man is driving down the road and sees a nun hitchhiking next to a broken down car. He picks the nun up and begins driving down the road to the nearest service station. After driving a bit the man begins to shake nervously. The nun asks 'What is wrong?'. The man says "I grew up in catholic school and have always had a fantasy about having sex with a nun." The nun says "You are only human and we all have these feelings." The nun continues to say how she too has these desires. The nun agrees to have sex on three conditions. That the man is not married, has no children and that he must do her in the back door because she is saving herself for God. He agrees and they do it. After having sex they continue driving down the road and the man begins to shake again and confesses that he is married and has kids. The nun says "That's ok, my name is Kevin and I am on my way to a Halloween Party."

Dirty Joke #3

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later,during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

Dirty Joke #4

A woman recently lost her husband to a heart attack.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she took it outside, poured him out on the patio table, and gave him a good hard look.

Then, while tracing her fingers absentmindedly in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you always promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you always promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you always promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money!!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, you remember that blow job I always promised you? Here it comes."

Dirty Joke #5

An elderly man and an elderly woman are on a date.

She says, "I forgot to tell you, I have acute angina."

He (very hard of hearing) says "What?"

She (yelling) says, "I forgot to tell you, I have acute angina!"

He says, "I sure hope so, because those tits aren't worth a damn!"

Dirty Joke #6 (not particularly dirty, I'm afraid)

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a nice looking woman. They strike up a conversation, and seem to hit it off. Eventually, he asks her what her name is.

"Carmen." she says.

"Wow, that's a pretty name!" the fellow replies.

"Well" she says, "It's not really my name. My real name is Jane, but I go by Carmen because it's my two favorite things: cars and men."

"That's cool!" says the guy.

"By the way, what's your name?" the girl asks.

He looks her in the eye and says "Beerfuck."

Dirty Joke #7 (also only marginally dirty)

A man gets a seat on an airplane next to a beautiful woman, who is engrossed in reading a huge, scholarly tome. Eventually she puts the book down and they get to chatting. After a while, he asks her about the book she is reading.

"Oh, it's very interesting!" she says. "It's about human sexuality. Did you know that the ethnic group with the LONGEST penises are native Americans?"

"No, I didn't!" they guy says, "that's very interesting."

"And what's more, men of Polish extraction have the THICKEST penises!" she went on.

They continue chatting for awhile more, and eventually she says "By the way, my name is Tania. What's yours?"

"Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you!"

Dirty Joke #8

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Dirty Joke #9

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon.

Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

"Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!"

Dirty Joke #10

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.

Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?" and he replies: "SEX!!!".

Annabel exclaims, "Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.

She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?"

Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."



		Dirty Jokes Page Be forewarned: some of these are pretty sick. In fact, that's the whole point of this page. You might want to turn back now.

	Dirty Joke #1 The daughter needs to borrow Daddy's car for the evening. Daughter goes to Daddy and says, "Is it ok if I borrow the car tonight?" Daddy says, "No." Daughter says, "you never let me borrow the car." Daddy says, "you can borrow the car if you give me a blow job." Daughter says, "your my Dad -- that's disgusting how can you think of such a thing." Dad replies, "you want the car you give me a blow job." Daughter decides she needs the car real bad so she says, "Ok." Daughter starts giving her dad a blow job when she stops and with a revolted voice says, "Daddy your dick tastes like shit!!" Daddy replies, "Oh I forgot, your brother has the car tonight." Dirty Joke #2 A man is driving down the road and sees a nun hitchhiking next to a broken down car. He picks the nun up and begins driving down the road to the nearest service station. After driving a bit the man begins to shake nervously. The nun asks 'What is wrong?'. The man says "I grew up in catholic school and have always had a fantasy about having sex with a nun." The nun says "You are only human and we all have these feelings." The nun continues to say how she too has these desires. The nun agrees to have sex on three conditions. That the man is not married, has no children and that he must do her in the back door because she is saving herself for God. He agrees and they do it. After having sex they continue driving down the road and the man begins to shake again and confesses that he is married and has kids. The nun says "That's ok, my name is Kevin and I am on my way to a Halloween Party." Dirty Joke #3 A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later,during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." Dirty Joke #4 A woman recently lost her husband to a heart attack. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she took it outside, poured him out on the patio table, and gave him a good hard look. Then, while tracing her fingers absentmindedly in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you always promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, remember that new car you always promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!" "Irving, that emerald necklace you always promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money!!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, you remember that blow job I always promised you? Here it comes." Dirty Joke #5 An elderly man and an elderly woman are on a date. She says, "I forgot to tell you, I have acute angina." He (very hard of hearing) says "What?" She (yelling) says, "I forgot to tell you, I have acute angina!" He says, "I sure hope so, because those tits aren't worth a damn!" Dirty Joke #6 (not particularly dirty, I'm afraid) A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a nice looking woman. They strike up a conversation, and seem to hit it off. Eventually, he asks her what her name is. "Carmen." she says. "Wow, that's a pretty name!" the fellow replies. "Well" she says, "It's not really my name. My real name is Jane, but I go by Carmen because it's my two favorite things: cars and men." "That's cool!" says the guy. "By the way, what's your name?" the girl asks. He looks her in the eye and says "Beerfuck." Dirty Joke #7 (also only marginally dirty) A man gets a seat on an airplane next to a beautiful woman, who is engrossed in reading a huge, scholarly tome. Eventually she puts the book down and they get to chatting. After a while, he asks her about the book she is reading. "Oh, it's very interesting!" she says. "It's about human sexuality. Did you know that the ethnic group with the LONGEST penises are native Americans?" "No, I didn't!" they guy says, "that's very interesting." "And what's more, men of Polish extraction have the THICKEST penises!" she went on. They continue chatting for awhile more, and eventually she says "By the way, my name is Tania. What's yours?" "Tonto Kowalski, nice to meet you!" Dirty Joke #8 Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter. First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny." Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick." Dirty Joke #9 Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity level of a 12 year old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her soooo much. However, Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married." She said, "Yes, I will marry you and learn to live with your infant sized penis." Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the Honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!!" Dirty Joke #10 Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies: "SEX!!!". Annabel exclaims, "Why, you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterwards, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood! Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?" Howard smiled and replied, "Parkinson's."