the page for cynical, satyrical, and depressing observations on life... but hopefully funny too

Ces's Cynicism Central

Now you are in trouble. You've stumbled onto the page devoted to cynical, sarcastic, and downright depressing comments (but hopefully funny, too). One word of advice: if you find this stuff amusing, you might want to look into therapy. Or just go out there and be a burden to your friends and family. That always works for me. Either way, enjoy. And send me your input!!!

Cynicism #1: Deep Thoughts

Remember when SNL was funny? Anywhow, some great words but maybe not to live by.

1. Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

2. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone.

3. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

4. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

6. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

7. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."

8. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

9. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

10. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

11. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

12. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind.

13. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

14. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.

15. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.

16. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching.

17. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

18. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait-I guess that's like a regular window.

19. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

20. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then, I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns.

21. Remember, kids in the back-seat cause accidents; accidents in the back-seat cause kids.

Cynicism #2: Great Cynical Quotes (collected by yours truely)

1. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany" - Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars", describing the city where they went to hire a pilot.

2. "I feel like I was et by a coyote and crapped off a cliff!" - Peter Stormare in "Purgatory"

3. "Love can be a delight, a dilemma, a disease, or a disaster"... "The only marriage I've ever approved of was that of my father and mother." -both by Montey Woolley (playing himself) in the Cole Porter bio-pic "Night and Day"

4. "Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." - H.L. Mencken

5. "Older women are best, because they always think they may be doing it for the last time." - Ian Fleming

6. "Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, the police are German, and it's all organized by the Italians." - sign in the bar at Fior d'Italia, North Beach, San Francisco

7. "You can't get lard less'n you boil a hog." - John Wayne (as Davey Crockett) in "The Alamo", 1960

8. "Some days you're the windshield; some days you're the bug." - Mark Knopfler song

9. "Your parents mess up the first part of your life. Your kids mess up the rest of your life." - Clarence Darrow

10. "A man is alone when he's born and when he dies. In between, its just a matter of luck." - Mike Hammer

11. "If love is blind, marriage is like having a stroke!" - Danny DeVito, in "War of the Roses"

12. "The only thing we have in common is that we're both wrong for each other." - Doc, about Suzy, in "Cannery Row

Cynicism #3: Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a f**king people person?

3. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

4. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

5. You!... Off my planet!

6. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

7. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

9. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

10. Allow me to introduce my selves.

11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

12. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

13. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

14. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

15. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

16. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

17. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

18. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

19. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF**k you!

22. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

23. And which dwarf are you?

Cynicism #4: Some Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell till I met you."

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

"Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...almost lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (available only in Arkansas)



		Ces's Cynicism Central

	Now you are in trouble. You've stumbled onto the page devoted to cynical, sarcastic, and downright depressing comments (but hopefully funny, too). One word of advice: if you find this stuff amusing, you might want to look into therapy. Or just go out there and be a burden to your friends and family. That always works for me. Either way, enjoy. And send me your input!!!

	Cynicism #1: Deep Thoughts Remember when SNL was funny? Anywhow, some great words but maybe not to live by. 1. Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes. 2. If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let go, because, they're gone, man. They're gone. 3. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. 4. To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 5. The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 6. I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not for our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. 7. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 8. If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic. 9. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 10. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 11. I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. 12. Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and so is mankind. 13. If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. 14. It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. 15. As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. 16. I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain because later, you might think you're having a good idea but it's really just the eggs hatching. 17. Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books. 18. Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait-I guess that's like a regular window. 19. During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner." 20. When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then, I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was and why he had deer horns. 21. Remember, kids in the back-seat cause accidents; accidents in the back-seat cause kids. Cynicism #2: Great Cynical Quotes (collected by yours truely) 1. "You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villany" - Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars", describing the city where they went to hire a pilot. 2. "I feel like I was et by a coyote and crapped off a cliff!" - Peter Stormare in "Purgatory" 3. "Love can be a delight, a dilemma, a disease, or a disaster"... "The only marriage I've ever approved of was that of my father and mother." -both by Montey Woolley (playing himself) in the Cole Porter bio-pic "Night and Day" 4. "Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another." - H.L. Mencken 5. "Older women are best, because they always think they may be doing it for the last time." - Ian Fleming 6. "Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and it's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, the police are German, and it's all organized by the Italians." - sign in the bar at Fior d'Italia, North Beach, San Francisco 7. "You can't get lard less'n you boil a hog." - John Wayne (as Davey Crockett) in "The Alamo", 1960 8. "Some days you're the windshield; some days you're the bug." - Mark Knopfler song 9. "Your parents mess up the first part of your life. Your kids mess up the rest of your life." - Clarence Darrow 10. "A man is alone when he's born and when he dies. In between, its just a matter of luck." - Mike Hammer 11. "If love is blind, marriage is like having a stroke!" - Danny DeVito, in "War of the Roses" 12. "The only thing we have in common is that we're both wrong for each other." - Doc, about Suzy, in "Cannery Row Cynicism #3: Sarcastic Remarks To Get You Through The Day 1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 2. Do I look like a fking people person? 3. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 4. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 5. You!... Off my planet! 6. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. 7. Does your train of thought have a caboose? 8. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? 9. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth. 10. Allow me to introduce my selves. 11. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 12. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. 13. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. 14. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage. 15. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. 16. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? 17. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. 18. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me? 19. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. 20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 21. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnFk you! 22. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong. 23. And which dwarf are you?

	Cynicism #4: Some Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell till I met you." "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?" "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me." "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!" "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again." "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine." "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...almost lifelike!" "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits?" "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday -- so we're having you put to sleep." "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!" (available only in Arkansas)