creepy eekie jokes about those nasty chunks of meat that we walk around in.....

A lady went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I have real problem here. I have silent gas." The doctor said, "What makes you think so?" She said, "On the way over in the cab, I had six episodes of silent gas and the driver didn't notice. On the elevator up to your office I had seven episodes and the other passengers didn't notice. And right now I've already had three episodes. What do you think we should do about it?" The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing."

A man went to the doctor with a problem. The doctor said that the problem was worse than originally thought. The man had a lower abdomen problem and the only way to help him was to operate. The man thought about it for a while and said, "Well if its the only way to save my life, then go ahead."

After the surgery the doctor came in and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private parts." The man asked, "Well, what's the bad news?" The doctor replied, "They're under your pillow."

A woman went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I've got a gas problem." The doctor asked, "Have you changed your eating habits lately?" The woman answered no. The doctor then asked, "Are you exercising?" The woman answered yes. The doctor asked, "Have you changed your sleep habits?" The woman replied no.

The doctor left the room and returned with a long stick with a hook on the end of it. The woman frightfully asked, "Wh-what are you going to do with that?" The doctor replied, "Open the window, it stinks in here!"

A man is reviewing his test results with his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm very sorry, but you have a terminal disease."

A man sees his doctor to get his test results, and the doctor says "Well, I have some very bad news. You have extremely advanced terminal cancer and will die very soon."

A guy goes into a doctor's office and says: "Doc, I got a Tapeworm!" The doctor tells him to go across the road to the restaurant and buy two hard boiled eggs, then go next door to the sweet shop and buy a tootsie roll, then go home and stick the eggs and tootsie roll up his ass. He has to do this every day for two weeks.

Two weeks later the guy shows up at the doctors office all bloated and fucked up and says: "Doc, your treatment did nothing!!!" The doctor tells him to go across the road and buy two hard boiled eggs, then go two shops down to the hardware store and buy a small hammer and come back to the office.

The guy comes back and the doctor tells him to stick the eggs up his ass. The guy does this and all of a sudden the tapeworm pops out his ass and shouts: "Where the fuck's my tootsie roll?!?!" and the doctor hits it over the head with the hammer and kills it.

Two newlyweds are spending their honeymoon at a small, family-owned fishing resort in Wisconsin. The owner has noticed that the husband is always out fishing, and is hardly ever alone with his voluptuous new wife.

A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me!! This is a one-seater!"

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.



		Doctor Jokes

	Doctor Joke #1 A lady went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I have real problem here. I have silent gas." The doctor said, "What makes you think so?" She said, "On the way over in the cab, I had six episodes of silent gas and the driver didn't notice. On the elevator up to your office I had seven episodes and the other passengers didn't notice. And right now I've already had three episodes. What do you think we should do about it?" The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check your hearing." Doctor Joke #2 A man went to the doctor with a problem. The doctor said that the problem was worse than originally thought. The man had a lower abdomen problem and the only way to help him was to operate. The man thought about it for a while and said, "Well if its the only way to save my life, then go ahead." After the surgery the doctor came in and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we were able to save your private parts." The man asked, "Well, what's the bad news?" The doctor replied, "They're under your pillow." Doctor Joke #3 A woman went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I've got a gas problem." The doctor asked, "Have you changed your eating habits lately?" The woman answered no. The doctor then asked, "Are you exercising?" The woman answered yes. The doctor asked, "Have you changed your sleep habits?" The woman replied no. The doctor left the room and returned with a long stick with a hook on the end of it. The woman frightfully asked, "Wh-what are you going to do with that?" The doctor replied, "Open the window, it stinks in here!" Doctor Joke #4 A man is reviewing his test results with his doctor. The doctor says, "I'm very sorry, but you have a terminal disease." The patient says, "Doc, how long do I have?" Doc: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what?! Days, months, years?" Doc: "Nine, eight, seven ..." Doctor Joke #5 A man sees his doctor to get his test results, and the doctor says "Well, I have some very bad news. You have extremely advanced terminal cancer and will die very soon." Man: "Whew! Doc, how long do I have to live?" Doctor: "You have three minutes." Man: "Three minutes!! Doctor, isn't there ANYTING you can do for me?" Doctor: "Well, I can boil you an egg." Doctor Joke #6 A guy goes into a doctor's office and says: "Doc, I got a Tapeworm!" The doctor tells him to go across the road to the restaurant and buy two hard boiled eggs, then go next door to the sweet shop and buy a tootsie roll, then go home and stick the eggs and tootsie roll up his ass. He has to do this every day for two weeks. Two weeks later the guy shows up at the doctors office all bloated and fucked up and says: "Doc, your treatment did nothing!!!" The doctor tells him to go across the road and buy two hard boiled eggs, then go two shops down to the hardware store and buy a small hammer and come back to the office. The guy comes back and the doctor tells him to stick the eggs up his ass. The guy does this and all of a sudden the tapeworm pops out his ass and shouts: "Where the fuck's my tootsie roll?!?!" and the doctor hits it over the head with the hammer and kills it. Doctor Joke #7 (well, "Disease Joke", anyway) Two newlyweds are spending their honeymoon at a small, family-owned fishing resort in Wisconsin. The owner has noticed that the husband is always out fishing, and is hardly ever alone with his voluptuous new wife. Owner: I don't mean to pry, but for newlyweds, you two are hardly ever together. Husband: Well, you see, there's a problem. My new bride has gonorrhea. Owner: There are still other things that you can do, you know! Husband: Yes, but she has pyorrhea, too. Owner: Well, there is still ... Husband: No, she also has diarrhea..... Owner: Good God, man!! Why did you marry such a woman?! Husband: Well, I like to fish, and she also has worms. Doctor Joke #8 Doctors do their best, but they require CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS for their patients..... A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. -- At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. -- One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." -- During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. -- I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. " Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. -- I was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, "You're not coming in here with me!! This is a one-seater!" -- While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." -- I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Doctor Joke #9 A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"