The 5 South Page of Arcane Knowledge
This is the repository of arguably useful but always fascinating knowledge to come out of the annals of 5 south history. Feel free to contribute! E-mail me your arcane knowledge concerning someone's secret past or real name, recipe for Skip & Go Naked, members of the "magnificent seven" streaking squad, how to properly perform an Old Lady Scream, etc., and i'll post it.
Item 1: In college, how many letters of the alphabet could Var burp to after completing one pass through the alphabet?
The answer to this, in my humble recollection, is that Var could belch through the complete alphabet, and then starting from the beginning, go all the way to F again (recollected by Ces).
Disagreement from Frank: Var could do the entire alphabet twice, if there is no Ponderosa orange drink in him. Var? Settle this?
Item 2: What is Frank's real name?
Input from Frank: Frank IS his name.
Item 3: How do you make (and use) a piss puck?
Answer: this is not a simple process. First, you need a volunteer. The volunteer must then go for about 24 hours without urinating (to get the piss nice and thick and pungent) and with minimal fluid intake (ditto). Then, he must pass water (note clever euphemism) into a high-quality zip-lock baggie. Baggie is then zipped up and placed flat in a freezer, until the piss solidifies into a nice solid pancake-shaped puck.
Next step is to identify a suitable victim. Egomaniacal RAs make a nice choice. During the middle of the night, the piss puck is placed on the floor outside the victim's dorm room door, and shoved juuuust right so that it slides into the middle of the dorm room, preferably on a nice new carpet (practicing before-hand to ensure proper pushing force is recommended) where it melts.
In the morning, the victim awakes to find a nice frangrant puddle of urine in the middle of his room. He is gripped with paralyzing fear, believing that some miscreant has crept into his room in the middle of the night and shamelessly relieved himself on the floor, when he could just have well have murdered the victim in his sleep if he'd so chosen. Victim is demoralized. Note that similar results could be obtained by placing a severed horse head into the victim's bed, which would avoid any possibility of DNA tracing, but which would require disposal of the rest of the horse's corpse, not a pretty sight (and a horse is a corpse, of course, of course).
Item 4: Lester the Molester's whereabouts?
According to Mrs. Dice, the Molester is now a physician in small-town USA, somewhere in the environs of Monroe WI. Any more data, Mrs. Dice?
Item 5: Lester's other nickname?
Lester Nider, the Midnight Rider (thank, frank)
Item 6: Take the Frank Burns Memorial Trivia Quiz!!!(click it)
Item 7: Chuck Webster liked using the word "callipygian" but could never prove that it really existed. I recently found this excange in the website for "the straight dope":
Dear Cecil:
Why am I having a hard time finding the word "callipygian" in the dictionary? No one I ask seems to know what it means. --Kurt Jacobsen, U.S.A.
Dear Kurt:
Great word, callipygian. Means "having shapely buttocks." As opposed to steatopygous, or "fat-arsed." Lends that essential touch of class to your locker-room conversations. The reason you can't find it is you're looking in the wrong place. Try Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and Preposterous Words by Josefa Heifetz Byrne, a landmark reference work this column has often recommended in the past. Where else could you find gems like hircine, "goatlike, especially in smell," or hircismus, "the condition of having stinky armpits"? --CECIL ADAMS
